


Almost Lover

by sleeponrooftops



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-14
Updated: 2010-12-14
Packaged: 2017-10-31 07:57:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeponrooftops/pseuds/sleeponrooftops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And I was carrying around a lily that never died, a box of letters, and an album book of Muggle and wizarding photos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost Lover

_All of the wasted time,_

_The hours that were left behind,_

_The answers that we’ll never find,_

_They don’t mean a thing tonight._

It was a dark night, though the fact that I knew I would die tomorrow night made this night all the more dark.  I sighed, making my bed for the last time, though I hadn’t slept in it for weeks.  I straightened things around my small room, things that shouldn’t be there.

 

I was Severus Snape, Potions master and spy for Albus Dumbledore, supposed servant of the Dark Lord.  And I was carrying around a lily that never died, a box of letters, and an album book of Muggle and wizarding photos.  Something in me wanted to sit at my desk and touch them one last time, let myself drift away to the memories that I had forbidden myself from for so long, memories that I dared not touch for fear of Voldemort accessing them.

 

I shuddered at his name.  Even thinking it bothered me.  He had _killed_ her, the only girl I’d ever loved, the only woman I ever would.  I always knew that she would turn to Potter in the end.  They were a match made in heaven, and it didn’t bother me so much as our seventh year drifted on.  I hated him, but I never hated her for dating him.  I didn’t even hate them as a couple.  In fact, I would have gone to their wedding, if dear old Malfoy hadn’t threatened me.  Back then, when I was so young still, he seemed like such a terrifying figure.  Now, I would give anything to break his neck.

 

_“Now, now, Severus,” Lucius crooned, touching my shoulder delicately, “You weren’t actually thinking of attending the Mudblood’s wedding, were you?  You know what the Dark Lord would think about that, what things he would do to you if he found out you went, and you know he’d find out.”_

_“I don’t care if he hurts me, as long as he stays far away from Lily.”_

_“Lily,” the name sounded disgusting rolling off his tongue, “Such a pretty, breakable name.  I wouldn’t test him, Severus.  He has many ways of hurting you, and one of them includes slitting her throat.”_

_And it had been settled.  I wouldn’t attend their wedding for fear of Lily’s life._

I always wished, every day after that, that she knew why I didn’t RSVP, why I didn’t show, why I didn’t accept a place among James’ groomsmen.  Oh yes, she’d managed to convince him on that topic.  She’d written me about it, long before the invitation came and they were still planning it.

 

_Severus,_

_I haven’t spoken to you in so long!  I keep writing you, but you never respond.  I wish things were just like the old days, back to when things were so simple and we were just little tikes, still learning the simplest spells.  Do you remember that time you tried to convince me I was a witch and then showed me all your little tricks?  Gosh, I miss those days._

_I hope I don’t hurt your feelings when I tell you this, but James and I are getting married!  I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited before.  He really is an excellent gentleman.  I know he was so awful to you all those years, but even you must admit he hardly even sent a wrong glance your way seventh year.  He’s grown up so much, and he’s amounted to so much._

_We’re both going into the Auror business.  We’ve already spoken to Mad-Eye about our bigger plans, and he likes our enthusiasm (though, you know him.  He doesn’t show it very well, ha!), so I’m thrilled to be starting soon.  Of course, he allowed us a substantial amount of time off surrounding the wedding._

_It’s going to be in September, that much we’re sure of.  But, and here’s most of the reason I’m writing to you.  I’d really love it if you could attend (and I’ll be sending an invitation soon enough!) and stand as one of James’ groomsmen.  I know, I know, you’re thinking that this is some kind of sick joke they’re making me play on you, but we’ve talked it over a few times recently, and he understands how much I love and trust you.  So, if you’re feeling up to it, it would just brighten my entire day if you could be there._

_I’m sure you’d look absolutely dashing in a tux, too!_

_I best be off, though.  I’ve got tons of things to work on.  Ever since Sirius learned of my amazing cooking, he’s been hounding me for new recipes every day.  I hope you write back this time!_

_Love always,_

_Lily_

Love always.  I still believed that, knew that I always had.  Even in her death, I knew that Lily still loved me.  She had this undying, unconditional love for people that touched her heart, and, back when we were young, I know I did.  I was the first person to ever kiss her, the first person to hold her hand, the first person to hold her heart.  The day she told me that she would always be mine first is one that rings clear in my memory everytime I think of her.

 

_“Severus Snape!” Lily exclaimed, shoving me playfully, “How dare you act like that!  Stop being so self-deprecating!  You are such an amazing person, Sev.  You can’t possibly believe anything that those petty boys say.  You shouldn’t listen to them.  They’re just jealous because you’re so much smarter and better than them.”_

_She was trying to comfort me after a particularly rough encounter with the Marauders.  We were twelve._

_“That Potter kid, though,” I grumbled, shaking my head, “He’s always staring at you.  He fancies you, and I hate it.  He’s going to take you away from me someday.  And he’s going to hurt you because he’s like that.  He’s a heartbreaker, Lily, and you’re too delicate.”_

_“I’m not delicate,” she sighed, rolling her eyes, “And, besides, Sev, I’ll always be your girl first, remember?  Always and forever, Lillian and Severus.  You remember when we decided that, right?  C’mon, I know you can smile.”_

And I did smile.  Wider than I ever had.

 

_Goodbye, my almost lover._

_Goodbye, my hopeless dream._

_I’m trying not to think about you;_

_Can’t you just let me be?_

_So long, my luckless romance,_

_My back is turned on you._

_I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache;_

_Almost lovers always do._

I adored Lily from the very start, from that very first time we introduced ourselves.  She’d been so shy at the time, but we were only seven, then.  And it was like magic, no pun intended.  Lily and I, we were just the perfect chemistry.  We were shadows of one another, we reacted and acted to one another, we were something like a fairytale.  I never believed in happiness until I loved her.  And, right away, I didn’t.  I always felt drawn to her, even when we were little, and I started crushing on her when I was old enough to know what that was, at ten.

 

But it was twelve, when we spent every free moment together, when we held hands and kissed in secret, just little, chaste pecks, that I knew I loved her.  I couldn’t even comprehend the idea of the word, couldn’t understand the enormity of it, but I knew, deep inside of me, that I loved Lily Evans, and I always would.

 

And sitting here, at my desk, flipping through these pictures, I haven’t ever loved her less than when I first did.  If anything, my love for her has grown.  My dislike of her son was no coincidence.  I was always keenly aware of why I couldn’t look at him, of why I hated being in his presence.  Those eyes, those sparkling emerald eyes that he had, nearly identical to hers.  He was a spitting image of James, as everyone always said, but, I could never look him straight in the eyes for fear of breaking.

 

I’ve left my memories of Lily in Dumbledore’s pensieve so that he may find them someday, so that he can understand.  I feel, as a last connection to her, that he had a right to know, to know how truly beautiful his mother was.  Of course, James always did her justice in that category.  He flaunted her every chance he got, and they were the golden couple of the school, even for the many years after they had graduated, but, my memories of Lily, the ones that we shared in deep secret, they showed her at her finest, at her most exquisite.

 

It’s almost time.

 

I have a short time left here, in this world, and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my last moments, eyes closed, so close I almost can feel her fingers ghosting over my cheek again, can almost smell her breath, minty and cold, in my nose, can almost taste the wonderful scent of her as she whispered for the last time,

 

_“I love you, Sev.  I always have.  I always will.  Don’t ever forget about us.”_

And that was the last time I saw Lily, as we were parting after our seventh year had ended.  I never expected her to seek me out, considering we hadn’t spoken since the beginning of our fifth year.  But she had.  She’d come right up to me, frowned, put her arms around my neck, and hugged me tightly.  I’d responded almost immediately, of course, and, in that one moment, it was as if nothing had ever happened between us and we were as we always had been.  And then she got on the train and I never saw her again, not until her eyes showed up in one of my first year classes, and I nearly choked with the memory of her.

 

My Lily, always mine first.  I’d never forget her, and now I could walk proudly into death knowing that I would meet her once again.

 

_I cannot wake up in the morning,_

_Without you on my mind._

_So you’re gone, and I’m haunted,_

_And I bet you are just fine._

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: First song belongs to Boys Like Girls, and second song belongs to A Fine Frenzy (both the middle and last stanzas). They are called Holiday and Almost Lover.
> 
> Also: I’ve never written Lily/Severus before. Was it worthy?


End file.
